Women’s Rights Gone Wrong

General, Satire / Humor

In a shocking press conference today, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed his previously unknown attitudes towards women. “I believe that women are great, and I personally for one, would not have been here today without women.” He said, adding, “Women are really the cat’s meow”. 

Netanyahu’s remarks are a response to the controversial topic that has swept through the country, of the so called “banishing of women” or “veneration of women” depending on how you read the non-vowelized Hebrew. The topic has been raging through the country, but no one has been sure what the press and politician’s view on topic is. 

This ambiguity was clarified today when Netanyahu, responding to accusations that no one has levied against him, declared that swapping Gilad Schalit had nothing to do with gender. “We would have got him out of there just as quickly if he was a woman,” said Netanayhu. “In fact, we would have gotten him, I mean her, out quicker. And then we would have asked her to sing.” 

This last statement refers to the fact that recently officer cadets had been banished from their course “due to a lack of musical appreciation, especially in the soprano area,” said an official speaking on condition of publicity. “And as we all know this is a critical shortcoming in the line of fire”. When asked to confirm this statement, military spokeswoman Miri Avnit-Kumkum responded “la la la, lalala, bum bum da bum bum bum,” And added that “mee mee mee la mee.”

Speaking at the 5th annual Israeli turnip grower’s convention, Netanyahu informed the attendees that “women are our future, and should be allowed to roam around whenever they want wearing whatever they want (or don’t want).” With a dreamy look on his face he added, “It’s been a while since I last had an affair”. 

Netanyahu received a standing ovation for his speech and appeared particularly proud of himself. When called upon for an encore, Netanyahu came back on stage and added “Women totally rock.” Responding to the PM’s statement, MK Tzipi Livni said “I am a woman. So I know what I am talking about. And I am talking about women. Women just have to be women. Could you please pass the women, I mean salt?” She added, “A woman should be allowed to sit wherever she wants on the bus. In fact, I think the driver’s seat looks kind of appealing.”

Public opinion on the subject has been divided. “I think it’s sickening, the way they spat on that girl,” said pizza delivery man Itzik Hatavooly. “It makes want to walk up to a Charedi child and punch him in the face.” “Why can’t we just get along?” he lamented, jabbing his elbow into the person in line before him.  

On the opposite side of the spectrum, stands Menachem Steinburgsky, self-appointed spokesman for the ‘The Sikrikim’ (the vandals; or crickets, depending on your reading of non-vowelized Hebrew). “When girls go to school wearing jean skirts, I feel like I’m in the holocaust all over again,” said 32 year old Steinburgsky. “It’s bad enough I have to wear striped outfits all day without having Zionist Nazis arrest me for beating up a video store owner”.

National-Religious Rabbi, Nachum Ben-Zahav said, “This all just so sad.” “Not listening to women sing causes tremendous hatred and a divide amongst the people. It tears apart at the fabric of our nation. It’s why the messiah hasn’t come yet. I don’t want to go into politics or get involved, but I think it’s wrong.” “What we need today is senseless love,” he added, hugging a lamppost. 

“Hey,” said Netanyahu. “It’s been a couple of minutes since I said something on the subject. Did I mention that some of my best friends are women?” 

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