If Men Got Periods


If men got periods, it would be a very different deal indeed.

It would become, only slightly figuratively, a dick measuring contest.

Because, you can be sure, men would make a contest out of it.

“How much did you bleed?” their guy friends would like to know. “And for how many days straight?”

“It was like a bloodbath in there. It was carnage,” they’d like you to know. “CS fucking I.”

If men got their periods, here’s how it would look: their entire dick would secrete blood from the outside, like a platypus, but with blood instead of milk.

It follows, therefore, pads would look more like condoms. The inverse of a tampon. A sheath you’d insert your dick into.

A manpon.

The manpon industry would a billion dollar one.

Manpons would come in camo. They’d be Military Grade. Tactical. They’d be battle ready. (cut to a middle aged man riding a lawnmower)

They’d come in little cases that looked like grenade launchers. Did I say little? I meant massive cases for your massive manpon and your massive… needs.

Geared toward the hard working man who just likes drinking beer and bleeding in the wild. Natural, like God intended.

The government would subsidize manpons for all, under the so called “Brothers in Arms” Red Bill.

Featuring Suction Max Supreme technology, they’d be endorsed by celebrities like The Rock and Silvester Stallone.

And they’d have names like Annihilator 2.0 and The Bloody Baron. The DickMove. for the active lifestyler.

Also: The Shredder, The Vampyre, and The Veiny Flytrap. Now with bulge-enhancing technology.

Every Superbowl would feature like three different ads for manpons, between spots for Ram trucks and bourbon.

They would come in scents like Polar Freeze, Dark Pine, and the much sought-after but hard-to-find Freedom Unlimited.

They’d have enough absorption power to clean up a small oil spill. The Pro Duty versions can be worn for an entire month without needing replacement.

Men would take supplements to increase both the thickness and total amount of their flow.

They’d post to Instagram with pictures of their bloody sheets.

They’d drink energy drinks geared towards that time of of month (or would they engineer it to happen daily, nay, multiple times a day?). The Blood Sucker. The Clusterfuck. Now in one gallon cans. Now with ginseng and vitamin X.

They’d develop complex lore about how it’s the best time to have sex, bleeding is. Because evolution. Because science. Because lubrication.

If they did choose to clean themselves, they’d develop a line of power-washer-inspired douche equivalents, with names like the Bloodsucker Powermax 2000. It’s one of the best gifts you can get a man for fathers day.

Last but obviously not least, men will find a way to sexualize it. “Can I bleed on your face? Wanna swallow my blood?”

Of one thing you can be sure. If men had periods, they wouldn’t be total pussies about it.

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