My old website used to be dedicated to my copywriting work. At that time, that was my main focus, as a freelancer.
Then for a while I started focusing much more heavily on web design, and my site fell by the wayside.
I have a lot of nostalgic connection to my site, because it’s one of the first websites I ever built. It also proved useful in bolstering my self esteem as a set out on my freelancing career as a fresh-faced wippersnapper. Having my own website helped me feel legit, stifle some of the impostor syndrome that constantly plagues me, and, nice bonus, I could send it to potential clients to asses my work.
My current vision for this site is similar, but on a much broader scale. I am trying to embrace my cyclical energy pattern and attention span.
There is a part of me that is deeply frustrated with my own perceived lack of follow-through. Why can’t I ever just finish things? Why do I jump so often from one thing to the next?
I know that if I just focused on one area I’d excel in it, probably make more money working in the field, and feel more confident in the way I present to the world.
But so far, that’s not me.
I’ve been working on it for years, and beating myself up about it for even longer, but as of yet, these patterns of constantly changing focus remain with me.
I have found that there are a few things that I keep coming back to – hypnotherapy, teaching, problem solving, being creative. But even these things are broad, and each can be focused on in its own right. Even amongst my core passions, I know that if I just focused more on just one of them, I’d go further.
So in an attempt to come to terms and accept myself, I’m recreating my website as a sort of accomplishment collage. As if to say “You haven’t done one thing really well, but you’ve done a lot of cool things, so let up a little”.
Yes, it comes off as egotistic, I’m sure. But at least I’m honest. And i’m the first to admit that my ego just comes from a lack of self esteem.
So just like my cute little website of yore, my hope for this site that it will serve as a backbone, an idea board, a place to keep track of my progress, or lack theroff, of all the things I have started, learned, done, thought about.
And if there’s someone else out there who’s interested as well, that would be pretty awesome too.
Here are some things I’d like to focus on in my site:
- Pretty pictures (fuck it, I like Unsplash)
- Things I like
- Things I’ve learned
- Shortcuts through life
- Some of the many paradoxes of life
- Personal growth insights
- My work and projects
My mission in life is to be as authentic as possible. In this site I hope to continuously unify more and more parts of myself. Seemingly disjointed or contradictory elements, unified by just one inexplicable thing – me.
My authenticity has served me will in the past, and is the key to most of the happiness and satisfaction I have acquired to date. At the same time, every new step still brings fear with it. “What will people say?” “What if I’m wrong?”
And is with this fear, of judgement by self as others, as well as my fear of my own inconsistency, that I set out to work on this site.
Worst case, maybe it’ll serve as a metaphor for how I feel: incomplete.
It’s time to have fun for once.