CityPass: Lack of Service Expected on Jerusalem Light Rail Between 6:00 and 24:00 Daily

Satire / Humor

JERUSALEM, IL- In a press conference today, CityPass spokesperson Dudu Buzaglo announced that permanent delays were in store for the Jerusalem Light Rail. 

“We have gone to great lengths to make sure our service is as disruptable as possible. That is one of the main benefits of a train over vehicular transportation services,” explains Buzaglo. “Having one long, single rail ensures that a single bag left at one end of the city can instantaneously shut down all transportation at the other end as well.” 

Buzaglo bragged about the sophistication of the system. “The synchronization is seamless. We have close circuit TVs at every station and on every train, which could easily spot who left the bag in the first place. But we don’t allow that to interfere with our disruption services.”

The process was an intricate one. “First, we spent seven years building the train. This often involved laying tracks and uprooting them again, to exude an atmosphere of busyness while we did nothing”.  Then, once the train was up and running, all bus lines that reach the same places they do, were canceled. “No one seemed to notice,” muses Buzaglo. “No one important, anyway.”

“Think about it,” explains Buzaglo excitedly. “You can really shut down the system like that.” He snaps his hands together to demonstrate the ease of such a venture. “A loss of power, a snow storm, an abandoned sandwich bag, a car accident, heck, too much rain can bring the whole system to a grinding, shrieking halt.”

This system was put in place by the Jerusalem municipality to test the mentality of the passengers who use the transportation system. “We discovered some really interesting things,” divulges Buzaglo, “such as the fact that the passengers here have really low standards. They could seemingly get used to anything! Have you seen how tightly we pack them in during rush hour? It blows my mind.” He adds, “I always use my car to get around.”

“I think the train line is great,” says Elizabeth Goldstein, 63, of Beit Hakerem. “Whenever I have the urge to just stay at home with my two dogs, read, and just take it easy, I use the train to take me there.” She adds, “It really helps me stay in the same place for long periods of time.”

In advance of these new developments, steps were taken by CityPass to ensure passengers were aware of the changes. Bored looking teenagers were hired to stand at the stations, wearing satchels. The electronic display boards were programmed to display the following message: “in lite of future, present time may contain delay. Sorry for inconvince”.

“We hope you have a fantastic day,” announces  Buzaglo over the station loudspeakers. “And don’t let the sliding doors crush you on the way out.” 

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